Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally recognized for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It is going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and fully outside of location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:

A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")

And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have One more put where American men can have on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: present Every person a collection to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

As outlined by documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is often gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It really is that he really should end applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people today. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."

Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the resort's landscaping forms a giant Trump head obvious from House, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after finding the creating's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a local melon cart.

"It truly is not just unattractive. It is a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Characteristics

Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium the place guests could ponder imprecise disappointment

A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate control established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Promoting Method: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Eternally."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it would stabilize the region"

29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"

18% reported "where's the closest elevator for the West Bank?"

Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is previously attracting focus from Worldwide buyers, including:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage will also involve:

A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can not wait to discover a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."

Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Finally, a lodge in which my PTSD can have transform-down services."

Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports recommend:

China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As Trump Tower Damascus outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."

Last Ideas with the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

In a very closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave it all a few. You are welcome."